if you're an employer who loves hiring or is indifferent toward it at most, but doesn't really hate hiring yet & you've come to my post huffing & puffing, thinking.."I don't hate hiring, what the heck is this article about?" do still stay on to read my full post, you may not necessarily end up hating recruiting but my jokes might end up amusing you & doing the very opposite probably, leaving you a little refreshed & rejuvenated toward the whole hiring process but it is primarily aimed at the junta who hates hiring from Step 1 till joining day formalities. :)
Ok so for the rest of you, who're thinking, ''Why DO I hate Hiring?", "Why do I always approach this whole getting new employees thing with the fear & trepidation one reserves for the movie theater when going for a Horror movie?" Oh why o why can't it be light & breezy & only slightly irritating like watching Hannah Montana film? Ok I haven't watched Hannah Montana, so I won't further dissect it.
So lets go through the Hiring House of Horrors now, shall we? Buckle up.
1> Don't go there, its the House of Horrors!! Lets try dashing cars!!:
So you're having a tough time even deciding if you want to go there. "Why do we need a new employee? We have 6 in that team & they're doing a fabulous job. So what if one of them quit last month, we still have 5!! Haven't you heard of Lean teams?"
The classic Who moved my Employee state of denial. :)
2> Ok FINE. Lets get on that ride. But, I just ate, so...
Finally you've come around to the constant pestering of the guys from THAT department which always has attrition (God knows why they can't hold on to their people!!) & you've decided you will go sit in that buggy after all, & it will take you for a lovely tour of the HHOH. [Hiring House of Horrors, catch up pls]. Now you may have already allocated 99.99% of the yearly Hiring budget to Marketing & Sales (ahem) & the figures don't add up & new approvals will be needed to even think of bringing a new employee onboard, which brings up your barf sensitivities right to the top. Get new approvals from the BOSS? Ugh..feel sick.
Denial was SOOO much better. Ugh, Ugh, UGH.
3> Me, Scared?
So you're just entering the tunnel into the HHOH, & well NO ONE keeps the good stuff right at the beginning do they? And by good, I mean scary. So you're feeling a little smug sitting pretty in your little chair, how you could feature as the Hero in any daytime Horror soap & how in your mind you've already closed this position when BAM! Your higher up conveys, you have a hiring budget that would shame the guy applying for it to rethink why he even bothered investing any money into his fancy MBA course. You almost fell out the Buggy, didn't ya?
My Boss definitely has a Sense of Humour, err Horror.
4> I am the Bruce Willis of Horror Movies.
So, you're the Bruce Willis of horror movies, & you shall go on further in. With a gun in your hand & yes, no one to watch your back. When you realise, "Dang, Am I by myself?!?! I thought there were 4 people in this Buggy!! Whatever man. Bruce Willis doesn't need backup, yo!" Except you're not Bruce Willis & you do need back up, yo. So your so called Talent Acquisition team has ditched your sorry ass even before you got on this mandate. Or was I imagining the team? Ugh.
Ugh times four. One for each one of my team members who ditched me.
5> Foyer ends. Enter the LIVING ROOM.
Oh you thought you're almost out to the other end? You hadn't even entered! Cmon...that's like HHOH 101. Ok so you made the job descriptions, reached out to some candidates, flipped through job portals, & its the SSDD. [Same shit Different Day]. No one RELEVANT has replied to your job posts & now your inbox is full of irrelevant cvs. Suddenly, the biggest, bloodiest zombie you could ever imagine almost falls on you, giving you an almost cardiac arrest. The Training department has decided to have 3 days of Soft skills training bang in the middle of the month. And you were supposed to close this position before the week ended. As you heartbeat returns to normal (& you suspect it won't be normal for a long time), you start thinking about juggling the laws of time travel & if indeed you could be in two places at the same time...Hmmm..if they think I can close this position in 5 days, miracles CAN happen, no?
Back to the Future, could happen.
6> Carnage time:
So turns out, you DO have to attend the training, all 3 days worth. And just to add salt to your wounds, they make you sit with your team that ditched you in the first place. Heh, you will be friends for these 3 days now, cmon. So the ordeal over, you return to your desk after these 3 days, & instead of seeing cvs you see emails from your Training Head, asking you to collate your team's post training feedback & have it at his/her desk by/before 9 am the next day as he needs to show it to your BOSS. That leaves you with ONE day to source, interview & close the position.
Positive affirmation: Rome WAS built in a day.
7> HHOHH. The extra H=Hangover.
Say it with me, Hiring House of Horrors Hangover.
Hiring-House-of-Horrors-Hangover. Hiring-House-of-Horrors-Hangover. Hiring-House-of-Horrors-Hangover. Hiring-House-of-Horrors-Hangover. We're on the last leg of the journey now, final day of reckoning. There is a fantastic way out. Sick leave. After all, you DO have a hangover.
New Opening in the HR Department? :P Just kidding. They wouldn't last a day without you.
Happy Hiring!
Neha Asthana
Email: neha.asthana@hr-interface.com
Ok so for the rest of you, who're thinking, ''Why DO I hate Hiring?", "Why do I always approach this whole getting new employees thing with the fear & trepidation one reserves for the movie theater when going for a Horror movie?" Oh why o why can't it be light & breezy & only slightly irritating like watching Hannah Montana film? Ok I haven't watched Hannah Montana, so I won't further dissect it.
So lets go through the Hiring House of Horrors now, shall we? Buckle up.
1> Don't go there, its the House of Horrors!! Lets try dashing cars!!:
So you're having a tough time even deciding if you want to go there. "Why do we need a new employee? We have 6 in that team & they're doing a fabulous job. So what if one of them quit last month, we still have 5!! Haven't you heard of Lean teams?"
The classic Who moved my Employee state of denial. :)
2> Ok FINE. Lets get on that ride. But, I just ate, so...
Finally you've come around to the constant pestering of the guys from THAT department which always has attrition (God knows why they can't hold on to their people!!) & you've decided you will go sit in that buggy after all, & it will take you for a lovely tour of the HHOH. [Hiring House of Horrors, catch up pls]. Now you may have already allocated 99.99% of the yearly Hiring budget to Marketing & Sales (ahem) & the figures don't add up & new approvals will be needed to even think of bringing a new employee onboard, which brings up your barf sensitivities right to the top. Get new approvals from the BOSS? Ugh..feel sick.
Denial was SOOO much better. Ugh, Ugh, UGH.
3> Me, Scared?
So you're just entering the tunnel into the HHOH, & well NO ONE keeps the good stuff right at the beginning do they? And by good, I mean scary. So you're feeling a little smug sitting pretty in your little chair, how you could feature as the Hero in any daytime Horror soap & how in your mind you've already closed this position when BAM! Your higher up conveys, you have a hiring budget that would shame the guy applying for it to rethink why he even bothered investing any money into his fancy MBA course. You almost fell out the Buggy, didn't ya?
My Boss definitely has a Sense of Humour, err Horror.
4> I am the Bruce Willis of Horror Movies.
So, you're the Bruce Willis of horror movies, & you shall go on further in. With a gun in your hand & yes, no one to watch your back. When you realise, "Dang, Am I by myself?!?! I thought there were 4 people in this Buggy!! Whatever man. Bruce Willis doesn't need backup, yo!" Except you're not Bruce Willis & you do need back up, yo. So your so called Talent Acquisition team has ditched your sorry ass even before you got on this mandate. Or was I imagining the team? Ugh.
Ugh times four. One for each one of my team members who ditched me.
5> Foyer ends. Enter the LIVING ROOM.
Oh you thought you're almost out to the other end? You hadn't even entered! Cmon...that's like HHOH 101. Ok so you made the job descriptions, reached out to some candidates, flipped through job portals, & its the SSDD. [Same shit Different Day]. No one RELEVANT has replied to your job posts & now your inbox is full of irrelevant cvs. Suddenly, the biggest, bloodiest zombie you could ever imagine almost falls on you, giving you an almost cardiac arrest. The Training department has decided to have 3 days of Soft skills training bang in the middle of the month. And you were supposed to close this position before the week ended. As you heartbeat returns to normal (& you suspect it won't be normal for a long time), you start thinking about juggling the laws of time travel & if indeed you could be in two places at the same time...Hmmm..if they think I can close this position in 5 days, miracles CAN happen, no?
Back to the Future, could happen.
6> Carnage time:
So turns out, you DO have to attend the training, all 3 days worth. And just to add salt to your wounds, they make you sit with your team that ditched you in the first place. Heh, you will be friends for these 3 days now, cmon. So the ordeal over, you return to your desk after these 3 days, & instead of seeing cvs you see emails from your Training Head, asking you to collate your team's post training feedback & have it at his/her desk by/before 9 am the next day as he needs to show it to your BOSS. That leaves you with ONE day to source, interview & close the position.
Positive affirmation: Rome WAS built in a day.
7> HHOHH. The extra H=Hangover.
Say it with me, Hiring House of Horrors Hangover.
Hiring-House-of-Horrors-Hangover. Hiring-House-of-Horrors-Hangover. Hiring-House-of-Horrors-Hangover. Hiring-House-of-Horrors-Hangover. We're on the last leg of the journey now, final day of reckoning. There is a fantastic way out. Sick leave. After all, you DO have a hangover.
New Opening in the HR Department? :P Just kidding. They wouldn't last a day without you.
Happy Hiring!
Neha Asthana
Email: neha.asthana@hr-interface.com
View Neha Asthana's profile